My New Normal

It’s been almost 2 months now since my mom passed away. And people are constantly asking me how I am doing. I find that I am adjusting to having my two new companions, grief and sorrow, with me all the time. Up until now, I had no idea how deep the sadness could be. People say that it’s most profound when you are alone. “Ahh”, I said to myself, “therein lies the problem. I am alone most of the time”.

Don’t feel sorry for me, I have always preferred it. It’s a choice I made when I decided to work on my own. But now it’s a bit much. And I know what “deafening silence” is like.
Honestly, I don’t think there is any skirting around the mourning process even if you are surrounded by people at all times. Grief is ever present, just right under the surface, just one incident away.

For example today I was in line at the little Post Office across the street from my house. This was just one of a handful of errands on my list. I was feeling good, moving thru my day. Then I noticed they were playing an old jitterbug song on their sound system. And bam! Just like that, I am flooded with the memory of my mom teaching me to jitterbug, of her taking my hands into hers and showing me, saying, “step, step, step, step, back step”, and of me, sort of being happy and irritated at the same time (I was a teenager), because she could do it and I couldn’t. It was an old memory, she was maybe 35, in the prime of her life and she was joyful because she loved to dance, so I guess that’s a good thing. However, I still sobbed over it, still missed her like crazy.

I find nights to be hardest; I just lay in bed and recap those last few days until I just come around to the conclusion that it was her time, she would be the first one to say this, and we could not fix it.

I have discovered that people respond all different ways to loss and grief. My closest friends, and I thank God for them everyday, absolutely hate to see my sadness, yet they know it’s a process. They are all very in tune, a few of them having just gone thru this with their parents. My mom was such a big part of my life. She was here with me for weeks at a time, so she got to know each of them incredibly well. And in that way, she was in their lives also.

Some people say nothing at all, but they look at you with pity. I have always been of the mindset to openly acknowledge someone’s loss. Maybe I remember this from when my brother died at age 32. That loss was a “constant companion” for a long time and I remember learning the difference between those who knew that pain and those who had never lost anyone. At the time, I attributed it to age; most of the people in my life were under 30. But now I just realize some folks are just not wired that way; they would rather avoid the subject completely and act like nothing has changed.

But everything has changed, that’s a given. And after nearly 2 months, I put one foot in front of the other and go on. I cry hard and often, and I think its normal. I try to manage my anxiety to the best of my ability and channel my energy into something positive, I try to have patience with the process and I try to laugh as much as I cry. How about that for balance?