DNA and staying engaged

DNA

This weekend I have had a lot of time to myself. Now I don’t mind it much of the time, but this weekend I started to feel a twinge of loneliness. Maybe because 2 of my closest friends are going thru health issues. Maybe I am just feeling vulnerable today.
Although I have friends here, I’m not so sure if something happened to me that I would have a “person”. I’m sure this is why humans partner up. You need a witness to your life. You need one other person, at least that cares if you had a good day or a bad day. Damn, I messed that up. No “other” and no children. So sometimes I just get a little spooked about what will happen if I become ill. ( I don’t want to go there!)

When I think about my family, what influenced me growing up, in a way, I think we just recycle based on what we saw or heard. Or perhaps it’s just instinct in some tribes.
I was reading something my Aunt Helen wrote about her sisters. About Aunt Jennie, the youngest: “She was a friend to me. We were always together and I miss her very much. She wrote me the nicest notes, which I will keep forever. She must of thought I was God when she wrote those notes. And every thing wrong became right when I read her notes. But what I miss most is that at 6AM, every single morning until she died, she would look out the window and say hi and wave and go make her coffee and I could see her drinking her coffee and saying her prayers. This was like clock work. And every night, she knew I went to bed at 8:45, she would look up and say goodnight and then pull her curtain, turn off the big light and leave the curtain open a little so I could see her or see if there was something wrong because her husband worked at night and that way she did not feel alone or afraid.”
And about Aunt Annie, who never married and lived her whole life downstairs from Aunt Helen she writes, “ Annie, the banker, story teller and friend to everybody. Family first, she always wanted family first.” And what she writes about Carly, my grandma, who I am now realizing I am sort of like, “ Carly was a fighter, nurse, and a “go along” person. When people in the neighborhood had to go to a doctor she was the one who went along because most people only spoke Italian, so she would translate for them.

But memories are subjective. Yes, Carly and Annie were close. I happen to also know that she and Aunt Annie fought like crazy, and then forgave each other. I remember as a child hearing my grandma on the phone with Aunt Annie, yelling, then just slamming the heavy iron phone into the cradle with such anger. Then half hour later, they were friends again. That’s a bit unbalanced. This craziness went on every day. So its not really all so rosy….
The aunts all lived within 2 houses. They could all see each other. Is this something that comes with our DNA? Because when I feel the most alone the most vulnerable, I want to be with my sisters. Sometimes I have a thought about moving back, closer to the fold, closer to Gina so I will have this security blanket. Then I think are you crazy? That comes with a lot of crap, not to mention bad weather.





Staying engaged

It seems I spend many hours trying to understand why my mom now, at age 77, only enjoys the casino. She really is only marginally interested when we talk on the phone. My life seems very beige to her. And honestly, to me as well!

I think I sort of get it. Historically our family (based on the aunts) needs to be engaged in life. We suffer from a need to know what’s happening now and what’s coming up next, not only for us but also for everyone around us. Hence, the “network”!
At a certain point in the aging process, with the exception of doctor’s appointments and a few family events, there are no big future plans, no upcoming trips, no weddings or anniversaries. Future plans are limited based on what you can and cannot do because you are on the exit ramp of life. In the casino, life is filled with possibilies, noise, and movement. It’s a little bit forbidden and it’s all in the present tense. It’s not like you can “plan “ to win or lose, it just happens. You are engaged. It’s an equal playing field, no one is old or young, and everyone is there to play.

Play. Something most of us don’t allow for ourselves. So I get it, although I still don’t know if it would be my choice.